I was thinking this morning about a lot of things. One thing of the things that crossed my mind is when you stop looking for love, somehow or another, that is when it will come and find you.
"Please save me from myself I need You to save me from myself Please save me from myself so I can heal And then He came Selah..."
Those are some of the lyrics to my favorite Lauryn Hill song of all time called "Selah" (google it). While this song is speaking of the need for God to save her from herself, it is also applicable towards relationships. The thing we would need saving from...........is loneliness.
If you've been following this account, you know God has given me a heart to share tidbits of my life for the benefit of others. Well here is another part of my journey.
I know what it is to feel loneliness. It's only natural to desire companionship. While the Word of God is true that God will never leave or forsake you, let's be real, Jesus' physical body is not in your bed at night. While you may embrace your bible, it cannot physically hold you back!
I went through a season where I began to doubt God. I felt as though God was not honoring my prayers. For years, I would pray to God for a husband...and years later he is not here. I was and am saving myself through celibacy and even not causally dating as means of preparation. I was waiting for the one in "holiness", yet ppl who lived like DEMONS were blessed with marriage! I felt overlooked because I REALLY wanted companionship. While I never felt jealousy (well maybe just a little), I was happy for others while I sat waiting, I couldn't help but to think "When will it be MY time?"
In frustration, I cried while praying and told God..."I'M TIRED!!! I don't want to wait anymore. I'm living right but you are blessing everyone but me and I just want it to be MY TURN!!!" God's reply: "Wait. I'm not ready to share you. It's not your turn." Every scripture I opened to was about WAITING!!!
I...WAS...PISSED! But in my anger, I said "Fine! I accept what You are saying and will do it Your way but if you dont move soon, I'm done!" (Done with what, exactly? I dont know but I meant it! LOL!)
I committed to reading my bible more. Praying and worshiping more. Turning off the r & b smooth groove and replacing that with even more worship music. I started focusing more on MY future...without said "him". I committed to doing it His way but here was the problem: I felt FORCED into consecration so I did it grudgingly...but I kept doing it though I didn't feel like it.
Then one morning...I woke up. I felt the peace of God like never before. I desired prayer. I wanted worship. I enjoyed the thought of "doing me". Before I knew it, WEEKS had passed. I was in a new place. I was truly enjoying God. I LOVED doing me and living my life like it was golden. It was just God, my family, my education, my future, my health and me....and for once. I was cool with it...beyond cool.
I honestly didn't care if I had someone or not. My sentiment went from "I'm tired of being alone, God. When will it be my turn??" to "For THIS season I don't want him. Rush into marriage for what? To divorce? Naw, I'm good. Give me God and happiness within. He'll show up when it's suppose to happen but for now, I'm loving me and finally for once...I'm HAPPY! I can dig this!"
With this new found serenity I acquired from doing it "God's way" and refusing to be miserable due to my ungratefulness about who was on my arm (or the lack thereof), I found the greatest peace and joy of my life. It had only been weeks but I didn't care if I had to wait for years. My stance was that I trust GOD that He loves me enough to send me the right one for me when His wisdom knew it was the right time. Besides, I have work to do on myself...and I'm enjoying doing it. I FINALLY was at peace with trusting God and letting Him be in control.
That was it-to surrender my need for control of my life and letting Him take the lead!
Those weeks were the most blissful of my life. I enjoyed working on me and devoting my time to me, my future and God. I enjoyed it so much so that I went to a few extra church services when I had the opportunity. I was doing me, how I wanted to do me and I was glad about it! *snap, snap!!* :")
I went to church one night and then I saw someone who looked familiar but I wasn't sure if I knew him so I shrugged him off, turned my head and went about my business. A couple of nights later, I checked my Facebook messages.....turns out I knew him after all. :")
Am telling you he is to be my husband? Nope. What I AM saying is when I took my focus off my desires and put them on HIS desires for me, God sent me someone who has quickly become a precious friend who I appreciate more and more with each conversation...and if God does see fit for us to be married (I'm in NO rush), I know it would be great because we began first by building an extremely solid, beautiful friendship. I thank God for that daily.
The moral of the story-To despite companionship is natural. A desire for love is in all of us but never forget...GOD is LOVE #Bible!!!!! Even if it doesn't feel good, even when it hurts trust God. Depend on Him and let Him be your guide. When you do, even if it doesn't start that way, He'll give you peace and make you happy. Sometimes, all God wants from you in order for Him to move is for YOU to stop trying to be your OWN God by wanting control of everything and having your way in your timing!
It doesn't take long for God to move. He may send someone the next day. He sent my "friend" in weeks. Your story may not be mine. He may send someone to you in a shorter or longer amount of time but the key is to TRUST THAT HE WILL!
I wasn't thinking about a man and God put one.....a GOOD one...in my path. He has no respect a person. If He blessed me, surely He will for you...you just have to believe and show Him you do by your actions because after all...faith without works is DEAD!!!!
Love you guys and next time, I won't be gone so long...or write so long either! LOL!
Xoxoxo
Faye.
