I was thinking this morning about a lot of things. One thing of the things that crossed my mind is when you stop looking for love, somehow or another, that is when it will come and find you.
"Please save me from myself I need You to save me from myself Please save me from myself so I can heal And then He came Selah..."
Those are some of the lyrics to my favorite Lauryn Hill song of all time called "Selah" (google it). While this song is speaking of the need for God to save her from herself, it is also applicable towards relationships. The thing we would need saving from...........is loneliness.
If you've been following this account, you know God has given me a heart to share tidbits of my life for the benefit of others. Well here is another part of my journey.
I know what it is to feel loneliness. It's only natural to desire companionship. While the Word of God is true that God will never leave or forsake you, let's be real, Jesus' physical body is not in your bed at night. While you may embrace your bible, it cannot physically hold you back!
I went through a season where I began to doubt God. I felt as though God was not honoring my prayers. For years, I would pray to God for a husband...and years later he is not here. I was and am saving myself through celibacy and even not causally dating as means of preparation. I was waiting for the one in "holiness", yet ppl who lived like DEMONS were blessed with marriage! I felt overlooked because I REALLY wanted companionship. While I never felt jealousy (well maybe just a little), I was happy for others while I sat waiting, I couldn't help but to think "When will it be MY time?"
In frustration, I cried while praying and told God..."I'M TIRED!!! I don't want to wait anymore. I'm living right but you are blessing everyone but me and I just want it to be MY TURN!!!" God's reply: "Wait. I'm not ready to share you. It's not your turn." Every scripture I opened to was about WAITING!!!
I...WAS...PISSED! But in my anger, I said "Fine! I accept what You are saying and will do it Your way but if you dont move soon, I'm done!" (Done with what, exactly? I dont know but I meant it! LOL!)
I committed to reading my bible more. Praying and worshiping more. Turning off the r & b smooth groove and replacing that with even more worship music. I started focusing more on MY future...without said "him". I committed to doing it His way but here was the problem: I felt FORCED into consecration so I did it grudgingly...but I kept doing it though I didn't feel like it.
Then one morning...I woke up. I felt the peace of God like never before. I desired prayer. I wanted worship. I enjoyed the thought of "doing me". Before I knew it, WEEKS had passed. I was in a new place. I was truly enjoying God. I LOVED doing me and living my life like it was golden. It was just God, my family, my education, my future, my health and me....and for once. I was cool with it...beyond cool.
I honestly didn't care if I had someone or not. My sentiment went from "I'm tired of being alone, God. When will it be my turn??" to "For THIS season I don't want him. Rush into marriage for what? To divorce? Naw, I'm good. Give me God and happiness within. He'll show up when it's suppose to happen but for now, I'm loving me and finally for once...I'm HAPPY! I can dig this!"
With this new found serenity I acquired from doing it "God's way" and refusing to be miserable due to my ungratefulness about who was on my arm (or the lack thereof), I found the greatest peace and joy of my life. It had only been weeks but I didn't care if I had to wait for years. My stance was that I trust GOD that He loves me enough to send me the right one for me when His wisdom knew it was the right time. Besides, I have work to do on myself...and I'm enjoying doing it. I FINALLY was at peace with trusting God and letting Him be in control.
That was it-to surrender my need for control of my life and letting Him take the lead!
Those weeks were the most blissful of my life. I enjoyed working on me and devoting my time to me, my future and God. I enjoyed it so much so that I went to a few extra church services when I had the opportunity. I was doing me, how I wanted to do me and I was glad about it! *snap, snap!!* :")
I went to church one night and then I saw someone who looked familiar but I wasn't sure if I knew him so I shrugged him off, turned my head and went about my business. A couple of nights later, I checked my Facebook messages.....turns out I knew him after all. :")
Am telling you he is to be my husband? Nope. What I AM saying is when I took my focus off my desires and put them on HIS desires for me, God sent me someone who has quickly become a precious friend who I appreciate more and more with each conversation...and if God does see fit for us to be married (I'm in NO rush), I know it would be great because we began first by building an extremely solid, beautiful friendship. I thank God for that daily.
The moral of the story-To despite companionship is natural. A desire for love is in all of us but never forget...GOD is LOVE #Bible!!!!! Even if it doesn't feel good, even when it hurts trust God. Depend on Him and let Him be your guide. When you do, even if it doesn't start that way, He'll give you peace and make you happy. Sometimes, all God wants from you in order for Him to move is for YOU to stop trying to be your OWN God by wanting control of everything and having your way in your timing!
It doesn't take long for God to move. He may send someone the next day. He sent my "friend" in weeks. Your story may not be mine. He may send someone to you in a shorter or longer amount of time but the key is to TRUST THAT HE WILL!
I wasn't thinking about a man and God put one.....a GOOD one...in my path. He has no respect a person. If He blessed me, surely He will for you...you just have to believe and show Him you do by your actions because after all...faith without works is DEAD!!!!
Love you guys and next time, I won't be gone so long...or write so long either! LOL!
Xoxoxo
Faye.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
All the Single Ladies
This one is strictly for the single ladies only....
I have a single relative. She is a young single mother to multiple children who in spite of past mistakes is in the process of making something out of herself. Although she is in the process, she is not in her "wealthy place" as of yet.
What I notice about her is rather disturbing though. She regularly says she is waiting on God to send her her Boaz, meaning a husband. I hear this from her all the time. What I also hear is her complaining, gossiping and having a negative attitude. She surrounds herself with catty women therefore she behaves that way as well. She also regularly says how much she wants to lose weight yet she is doing nothing about it. She does not have any money of her own yet she says she won't date a man who is a "scrub". And her house....is always dirty.
She is expecting her future husband to come on to the scene and rescue her yet she is doing none of this for herself. She, like many women, is waiting for Prince Charming to come along and take all of her struggles away yet she is doing nothing in the mean time to prepare for him. I believe in waiting on God...but I also know we also must show God that we can be trusted with what we are waiting on (Faith without works is DEAD!) . The same way God will not give you a raggedy man...He will not give His son a raggedy woman. And to all who say you want a Boaz...realize that Ruth was a hustler! She WORKED!
If you really believe that God is going to give you something, you need to prepare for that thing before it arrives! God will not give you a present only to watch you destroy it. If you believe you will be married one day, live the life of a wife now so you can show God that you are ready.
Clean your house. Keep up with the laundry. Keep your pantry stocked. Know how to cook. Keep yourself healthy. Know how to maintain a household income...which can only be done by going out and making you some money!
Stop waiting for Prince Charming to show up and make everything better. God gave you all of the abilities within yourself to make a better life for you. All you have to do is believe...and stop being lazy! Get your own money. Have your own life and while you are living the good life that God blessed you to earn, your "Boaz" will be watching you. He will have his eye on you and you may not even be aware of it. He is watching you build your empire and when he sees he can trust you, he will gladly welcome you into his.
Marriage is beautiful but so is your singleness. The beautiful thing about being single is now is the time that you can be selfish and focus on what you will bring to the table. Know what type of wife you want to be and be that woman now. Work on your career. Increase your education. Even get your body together! Purpose in your heart to stay away from silly women who will tarnish your spirit. Work on your life and abilities so that when who ever your God ordained husband is is released into your life, you will be able to be a help meet and not an additional burden to him.
He is not your Savior. Jesus is. :")
Until next time!
xoxoxoxo
I have a single relative. She is a young single mother to multiple children who in spite of past mistakes is in the process of making something out of herself. Although she is in the process, she is not in her "wealthy place" as of yet.
What I notice about her is rather disturbing though. She regularly says she is waiting on God to send her her Boaz, meaning a husband. I hear this from her all the time. What I also hear is her complaining, gossiping and having a negative attitude. She surrounds herself with catty women therefore she behaves that way as well. She also regularly says how much she wants to lose weight yet she is doing nothing about it. She does not have any money of her own yet she says she won't date a man who is a "scrub". And her house....is always dirty.
She is expecting her future husband to come on to the scene and rescue her yet she is doing none of this for herself. She, like many women, is waiting for Prince Charming to come along and take all of her struggles away yet she is doing nothing in the mean time to prepare for him. I believe in waiting on God...but I also know we also must show God that we can be trusted with what we are waiting on (Faith without works is DEAD!) . The same way God will not give you a raggedy man...He will not give His son a raggedy woman. And to all who say you want a Boaz...realize that Ruth was a hustler! She WORKED!
If you really believe that God is going to give you something, you need to prepare for that thing before it arrives! God will not give you a present only to watch you destroy it. If you believe you will be married one day, live the life of a wife now so you can show God that you are ready.
Clean your house. Keep up with the laundry. Keep your pantry stocked. Know how to cook. Keep yourself healthy. Know how to maintain a household income...which can only be done by going out and making you some money!
Stop waiting for Prince Charming to show up and make everything better. God gave you all of the abilities within yourself to make a better life for you. All you have to do is believe...and stop being lazy! Get your own money. Have your own life and while you are living the good life that God blessed you to earn, your "Boaz" will be watching you. He will have his eye on you and you may not even be aware of it. He is watching you build your empire and when he sees he can trust you, he will gladly welcome you into his.
Marriage is beautiful but so is your singleness. The beautiful thing about being single is now is the time that you can be selfish and focus on what you will bring to the table. Know what type of wife you want to be and be that woman now. Work on your career. Increase your education. Even get your body together! Purpose in your heart to stay away from silly women who will tarnish your spirit. Work on your life and abilities so that when who ever your God ordained husband is is released into your life, you will be able to be a help meet and not an additional burden to him.
He is not your Savior. Jesus is. :")
Until next time!
xoxoxoxo
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
The Seed of Betrayal
I was just speaking to a BEAUTIFUL young woman on Twitter and she was dealing with the issue of betrayal. That of course sparked a blog interest for me. LADIES, this one is for you (and any of you gents who can relate, smile)!
I remember a little over 10 years ago I had a nice boyfriend. He was cute. We grew up together. He was my friend. He jokingly referred to me as his wife and I comically (yet wishfully) would call him husband in return. It was a "teenage love affair". It was so innocent yet it was intense because we both had strong feelings for one another.
As time went on, I noticed him not calling as much...then not at all. Our communication stopped and me being me, I wanted to know what was going on. I also noticed that my best friend at the moment was not available as my rock to lean on as she usually was. (I'm sure you can see where this story is going...)
They were together. I started hearing rumors of their union. It came to a head when on Sunday morning, I learned it was true by seeing them together with my naked eyes. I, being the fire cracker that I am...was about to THROW DOWNNNNNN at church. Yes, I was going to fight her and if possible get a few licks in on him as well. Thank God my Godsister stepped in to calm me down and my Godbrother talked some sense into me. God sends you what you need right at the heat of the moment! Glory to You, Father!
Later that week, I made the decision to let go. Me holding on to my anger was not going to seperate them. Me being upset anytime they came around me was not going to change anything. I was at the crossroad of decision-to hate or choosing to love in spite of.
The next week I wrote him a letter in church explaining that although I did not like it, I forgave him AND her. I was releasing the hardness of MY heart for MY peace of mind. Not only that...I blessed their union. I told him I hope they were happy together and I meant EVERY word of it. Not sarcastically or to save face...I genuinely meant it. Giving that letter to him literally felt like a weight was lifted off of me. I felt lighter and at peace. I talked to him face to face as soon as service was over and we made up as friends. There no longer had to be awkwardness everytime we saw one another. She, however was unwilling to speak to me and as a matter of fact she was ANGERED by my forgiveness and my letter. What her problem was? I have no clue but she was MAD!
Although I was young at the time, the feeling of betrayal was very REAL! The feeling of betrayal ESPECIALLY over matters of the heart is harsh. It brings along with it feelings of envy, hatred, RAGE and heartbreak/sorrow...but the one part of us that is broken by betrayal is our PRIDE. All of those are very real emotions that surge through us when loved ones and even not so loved ones betray us. The choice is completely ours as to if we let that venom run through our veins or release it for God to handle, and choosing to drop our PRIDE in order to have peace of mind.
Forgiveness is a gift to give. Some choose to receive it (like my ex did) and some cannot receive your forgiveness (they say you are being "fake") due to the guilt eating at them from what they did (like my ex-bestfriend). Weither they receive it or not, GIVE IT! Bless them and move on. That is lifting the load of hard feelings and stony heart from YOUR shoulders and in the long-run, though it should not be your intent, leaping coals on their heads (Romans 12:19-21 GO read it NOW!). Forgive and get the bitterness out of your heart.
Forgiving someone is a beautiful process. You just have to get your PRIDE out of the way in order to do it. Once you do, your heart is lifted, HEALING begins, you gain wisdom and most importantly God is pleased!
Now I bet you are wondering how the story ends for me, him and her. At the time, I didn't know how things would work out. All I knew was that they hurt me and I chose to forgive them. When we are going through something, we don't have the provision of knowing what will happen later down the line. All we have is what's in our face at the moment and the faith to know things will be alright. Well, here is what happened to the new couple: They broke up. Why? She was a wounded girl who had been through a lot and used sex as a means to love. Basically-She left him because...um...turns out that she wanted to be a lesbian. I must confess that once I found out I jokingly told him "Well I'm GLAD we broke up if you are so terrible that you turn women the other way!" I was only kidding guys...*wink*
Now I don't glorify the fact that she did that to him. He was hurt and I didn't wish that on him. I realize she was doing that out of her own hurt and search for love. I'm just stating facts. :") While I do NOT rest in that what I will say is this-the bible holds TRUE when it says "Vengence is MINE, says God. Romans 12:19" He will SURELY repay. Don't think for a second that folks will get off scott free when you choose not to retaliate for their wrong doing. God will repay. You just stay humble.
Anyway, they ended up doing harm to each other. In the end God had stripped me of a man who clearly was not loyal, a friend who would clearly betray me if she felt so inclined and He gave me wisdom to share with other women in the same situation.
It hurt me...but it helped me. And I pray that this story has blessed you.
Forgive! It hurts now...but it will help you later.
Until we meet again....
xoxoxoxo
I remember a little over 10 years ago I had a nice boyfriend. He was cute. We grew up together. He was my friend. He jokingly referred to me as his wife and I comically (yet wishfully) would call him husband in return. It was a "teenage love affair". It was so innocent yet it was intense because we both had strong feelings for one another.
As time went on, I noticed him not calling as much...then not at all. Our communication stopped and me being me, I wanted to know what was going on. I also noticed that my best friend at the moment was not available as my rock to lean on as she usually was. (I'm sure you can see where this story is going...)
They were together. I started hearing rumors of their union. It came to a head when on Sunday morning, I learned it was true by seeing them together with my naked eyes. I, being the fire cracker that I am...was about to THROW DOWNNNNNN at church. Yes, I was going to fight her and if possible get a few licks in on him as well. Thank God my Godsister stepped in to calm me down and my Godbrother talked some sense into me. God sends you what you need right at the heat of the moment! Glory to You, Father!
Later that week, I made the decision to let go. Me holding on to my anger was not going to seperate them. Me being upset anytime they came around me was not going to change anything. I was at the crossroad of decision-to hate or choosing to love in spite of.
The next week I wrote him a letter in church explaining that although I did not like it, I forgave him AND her. I was releasing the hardness of MY heart for MY peace of mind. Not only that...I blessed their union. I told him I hope they were happy together and I meant EVERY word of it. Not sarcastically or to save face...I genuinely meant it. Giving that letter to him literally felt like a weight was lifted off of me. I felt lighter and at peace. I talked to him face to face as soon as service was over and we made up as friends. There no longer had to be awkwardness everytime we saw one another. She, however was unwilling to speak to me and as a matter of fact she was ANGERED by my forgiveness and my letter. What her problem was? I have no clue but she was MAD!
Although I was young at the time, the feeling of betrayal was very REAL! The feeling of betrayal ESPECIALLY over matters of the heart is harsh. It brings along with it feelings of envy, hatred, RAGE and heartbreak/sorrow...but the one part of us that is broken by betrayal is our PRIDE. All of those are very real emotions that surge through us when loved ones and even not so loved ones betray us. The choice is completely ours as to if we let that venom run through our veins or release it for God to handle, and choosing to drop our PRIDE in order to have peace of mind.
Forgiveness is a gift to give. Some choose to receive it (like my ex did) and some cannot receive your forgiveness (they say you are being "fake") due to the guilt eating at them from what they did (like my ex-bestfriend). Weither they receive it or not, GIVE IT! Bless them and move on. That is lifting the load of hard feelings and stony heart from YOUR shoulders and in the long-run, though it should not be your intent, leaping coals on their heads (Romans 12:19-21 GO read it NOW!). Forgive and get the bitterness out of your heart.
Forgiving someone is a beautiful process. You just have to get your PRIDE out of the way in order to do it. Once you do, your heart is lifted, HEALING begins, you gain wisdom and most importantly God is pleased!
Now I bet you are wondering how the story ends for me, him and her. At the time, I didn't know how things would work out. All I knew was that they hurt me and I chose to forgive them. When we are going through something, we don't have the provision of knowing what will happen later down the line. All we have is what's in our face at the moment and the faith to know things will be alright. Well, here is what happened to the new couple: They broke up. Why? She was a wounded girl who had been through a lot and used sex as a means to love. Basically-She left him because...um...turns out that she wanted to be a lesbian. I must confess that once I found out I jokingly told him "Well I'm GLAD we broke up if you are so terrible that you turn women the other way!" I was only kidding guys...*wink*
Now I don't glorify the fact that she did that to him. He was hurt and I didn't wish that on him. I realize she was doing that out of her own hurt and search for love. I'm just stating facts. :") While I do NOT rest in that what I will say is this-the bible holds TRUE when it says "Vengence is MINE, says God. Romans 12:19" He will SURELY repay. Don't think for a second that folks will get off scott free when you choose not to retaliate for their wrong doing. God will repay. You just stay humble.
Anyway, they ended up doing harm to each other. In the end God had stripped me of a man who clearly was not loyal, a friend who would clearly betray me if she felt so inclined and He gave me wisdom to share with other women in the same situation.
It hurt me...but it helped me. And I pray that this story has blessed you.
Forgive! It hurts now...but it will help you later.
Until we meet again....
xoxoxoxo
Sunday, October 2, 2011
When Love Hurts...
I'm currently watching a new show titled "Will to Live" on TVOne. In this particular episode, there was a drug crazed, abusive boyfriend who did not want his girlfriend to leave him. To sum up the story, the guy in the relationship told his woman something along the lines of "If I can't have you, nobody else can" and he said that because he felt her drifting away due to beatings and his abuse of drugs. The man, in a drug induced craze, shot his girlfriend at point blank range in the back of her head. He then turned the gun on himself. He died. She did not.
This reminded me of an abusive situation that I endured. I endured it as a child. My father, although he has changed DRASTICALLY, was "that guy". While he never physically hit my mother as the male did in the previous situation, he was abusive in every other way possible. He said the same line that I heard this man say "If I can't have you, nobody else will." My father would pull guns on my mother. In heated arguments, he would start to clean his beloved pistols and as a child, I was forced to endure this. My home was the soil that raised me and the seeds planted into me were of hatred and abuse. I was beaten and abused at the hands of my father. I was cursed out and threatened to be killed. My father has pulled guns on my sister in front of me. He even went as far as to make me hold a gun and point it after he beat me as a teen (this is SEVERE, psychological abuse).
Because I was a little girl who never felt the acceptance of my father (except for when I would physically beat a school mate up) and I never knew the safe, passionate love of a man, I was prone to the worst kind of men. I never knew healthy love so I did not demand it for myself. This holds true for many women who grew up in explosive households. I was an easy target to men who wanted to take advantage of my vulnerability and my longing to hear positive words of affirmation. I faced a potentially abusive situation but I got out.
I remember being on a date with a guy at his home when he asked me to massage his leg. I would not and when I refused he bent my finger back as far as he could get it to go. That HURT but I took that as a sign that he was crazy. For him to bend my finger as punishment for my being disobedient on only the second date, I knew eventually he would blow up on me in the future. I stayed polite throughout the remainder of us "hanging out", did whatever he asked of me to do and got out of his home. I knew to never see him again because the signs showed me that he was an abusive person. Although I grew up in abuse, my grandmother was beaten, my aunts were beaten and it runs throughout my family, I was DETERMINED to break that cycle! You don't have to go through what you mother, your sister, your aunts or your friends went through. God gave me strength and He will to anyone else as well.
There are always signs that someone is emotionally unstable and it leads to violence. Although they may be able to hide that side of them for a season, it will eventually come to the surface and be as a roaring lion. Many women do not pay attention to the signs and it leads to abuse after an emotional bond has been established.
My attention and discernment from God saved me from abuse but if you are already in the situation, it is not too late. You can come out. God does not want any of us to live abused or in danger. We were created for a purpose and that purpose was not to be abused.
Many women endure domestic violence and they suffer silently. It could be your mother, your sister, your aunt, your friend, your co-worker or even the women next to you in church giving God praise in spite of hardships and going forward as if nothing happened. It could even be YOU reading this! Domestic violence touches us all in some way as we are all a community and we are stronger together than we are apart.
If you are going through the pain of being beaten in your relationship, this is for you: Talk to a girlfriend, a pastor or someone whom you can trust. Develop a plan to safely leave. Every blow and every hit and every strike of a hand to someone is killing your spirit and it does not have to be.
If you or someone you know is going through a situation of domestic violence, contact me. I am praying with you and for you. Please visit http://www.thehotline.org
This reminded me of an abusive situation that I endured. I endured it as a child. My father, although he has changed DRASTICALLY, was "that guy". While he never physically hit my mother as the male did in the previous situation, he was abusive in every other way possible. He said the same line that I heard this man say "If I can't have you, nobody else will." My father would pull guns on my mother. In heated arguments, he would start to clean his beloved pistols and as a child, I was forced to endure this. My home was the soil that raised me and the seeds planted into me were of hatred and abuse. I was beaten and abused at the hands of my father. I was cursed out and threatened to be killed. My father has pulled guns on my sister in front of me. He even went as far as to make me hold a gun and point it after he beat me as a teen (this is SEVERE, psychological abuse).
Because I was a little girl who never felt the acceptance of my father (except for when I would physically beat a school mate up) and I never knew the safe, passionate love of a man, I was prone to the worst kind of men. I never knew healthy love so I did not demand it for myself. This holds true for many women who grew up in explosive households. I was an easy target to men who wanted to take advantage of my vulnerability and my longing to hear positive words of affirmation. I faced a potentially abusive situation but I got out.
I remember being on a date with a guy at his home when he asked me to massage his leg. I would not and when I refused he bent my finger back as far as he could get it to go. That HURT but I took that as a sign that he was crazy. For him to bend my finger as punishment for my being disobedient on only the second date, I knew eventually he would blow up on me in the future. I stayed polite throughout the remainder of us "hanging out", did whatever he asked of me to do and got out of his home. I knew to never see him again because the signs showed me that he was an abusive person. Although I grew up in abuse, my grandmother was beaten, my aunts were beaten and it runs throughout my family, I was DETERMINED to break that cycle! You don't have to go through what you mother, your sister, your aunts or your friends went through. God gave me strength and He will to anyone else as well.
There are always signs that someone is emotionally unstable and it leads to violence. Although they may be able to hide that side of them for a season, it will eventually come to the surface and be as a roaring lion. Many women do not pay attention to the signs and it leads to abuse after an emotional bond has been established.
My attention and discernment from God saved me from abuse but if you are already in the situation, it is not too late. You can come out. God does not want any of us to live abused or in danger. We were created for a purpose and that purpose was not to be abused.
Many women endure domestic violence and they suffer silently. It could be your mother, your sister, your aunt, your friend, your co-worker or even the women next to you in church giving God praise in spite of hardships and going forward as if nothing happened. It could even be YOU reading this! Domestic violence touches us all in some way as we are all a community and we are stronger together than we are apart.
If you are going through the pain of being beaten in your relationship, this is for you: Talk to a girlfriend, a pastor or someone whom you can trust. Develop a plan to safely leave. Every blow and every hit and every strike of a hand to someone is killing your spirit and it does not have to be.
If you or someone you know is going through a situation of domestic violence, contact me. I am praying with you and for you. Please visit http://www.thehotline.org
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
And The Beat Goes On....
"Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before," Phillipians 3:13
It's been a while since I blogged anything. I have actually had a lot to say however I have not had the time. Tonight I said "Why not?" *I'm actually yawning at the moment so I will rush through this* :")
I was speaking with someone who is divorced and has been for quite some time. Her ex-husband still has deep feelings for her and honestly would like to remain in her life. Although they are divorced, they speak regularly (almost daily) and he regularly finds a reason to visit her house. She says she does not have feelings for him and she just talks to him.
Anyone who knows me intimately knows that I can be brutally honest at times. I was with her. I flat out asked "Why is he still hanging around? You all have been over for years!" Her reply was "He won't stop coming around until I get a new man."
This is not healthy. God cannot bless you with something new if you are still holding on to the old. You don't have room to receive! Your "hands" are already full, so you can't grasp hold of the newness coming your way. You cannot effectively move forward if you are still looking backward. You can say that you are "waiting on God" or what have you, but true faith is backed up with action (or quite frankly "Faith without works is dead! James 2:17")
If you really believe that God will bless you with something new, SHOW HIM! I challenge you to clean house. Clear your life of everything negative from your past. Cut off old relationships. If it's over, LET IT BE OVER! Let go of the old in anticipation of the new. Do whatever it takes. As much as you want God to bless you, go just that much harder in proving to Him that you are ready.
The past is done. Let go!
It's been a while since I blogged anything. I have actually had a lot to say however I have not had the time. Tonight I said "Why not?" *I'm actually yawning at the moment so I will rush through this* :")
I was speaking with someone who is divorced and has been for quite some time. Her ex-husband still has deep feelings for her and honestly would like to remain in her life. Although they are divorced, they speak regularly (almost daily) and he regularly finds a reason to visit her house. She says she does not have feelings for him and she just talks to him.
Anyone who knows me intimately knows that I can be brutally honest at times. I was with her. I flat out asked "Why is he still hanging around? You all have been over for years!" Her reply was "He won't stop coming around until I get a new man."
This is not healthy. God cannot bless you with something new if you are still holding on to the old. You don't have room to receive! Your "hands" are already full, so you can't grasp hold of the newness coming your way. You cannot effectively move forward if you are still looking backward. You can say that you are "waiting on God" or what have you, but true faith is backed up with action (or quite frankly "Faith without works is dead! James 2:17")
If you really believe that God will bless you with something new, SHOW HIM! I challenge you to clean house. Clear your life of everything negative from your past. Cut off old relationships. If it's over, LET IT BE OVER! Let go of the old in anticipation of the new. Do whatever it takes. As much as you want God to bless you, go just that much harder in proving to Him that you are ready.
The past is done. Let go!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
The Big C
"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 6:23
Believe it or not, I am a cancer survivor. The strange thing is that for the longest time, I was embarrassed by that testimony. To the outside person, "WHY?" would be the response to the fact that I was embarrassed by my survival. My response is that the enemy tried to shame me into silence. Not anymore! I am not ashamed of the fact that I have gone through some things but now I am healed, mind, body and spirit.
It started with my sinful life. I was a serial fornicator. That of course means that I was having sex outside of marriage. I thought that because I was only with that one man (to whom I lost my virginity) that it was not as "bad" so I should be ok. I could not be considered "whorish" because I had only been with one person. The problem was that I got so comfortable with him, that we stopped using protection in our sexual life. I was monogamous. He was not.
To sum up our story, he infected me with the HPV virus. Glory to God in the HIGHEST, it was not HIV or any other disease or virus. HPV is a commonly spread STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection). It does not always have symptoms and is only detected in women during a PAP smear. I had no symptoms and was unaware that I was sick.
I discovered my status when I lost my job. I lost my job, which meant I lost my healthcare benefits. I was still sexually active after I became unemployed so I needed birth control pills. I went to Planned Parenthood. In order to get the pills, I had to be examined to ensure I was healthy and not already pregnant, which is how I discovered that I was ill.
I discovered my status when I lost my job. I lost my job, which meant I lost my healthcare benefits. I was still sexually active after I became unemployed so I needed birth control pills. I went to Planned Parenthood. In order to get the pills, I had to be examined to ensure I was healthy and not already pregnant, which is how I discovered that I was ill.
You see, me losing my job saved my life. I did not like losing my job then but now that I see the bigger picture, I give God praise for upsetting my life to save my life! #ThatWillPREACH! Romans 8:28!!! Had I not lost my job, I would not have needed a doctor’s appointment. That means my aggressive cancer would have continued to go undiagnosed and I may have lost my life! THANK YA!!!!
Back to my story: As you may or may not know, HPV is a virus that leads to cervical cancer in women. There are different stands of the virus. Each strand is associated with a number. The lower the number associated with the strand of virus means the lower the chance of cancer. The strands start at number one and they increase by number. As the strand number increases, so does the danger level. Upon testing, I learned that my strand was in the double digits…the danger zone. Basically, this meant that my cervix was more than 50% destroyed and I had either pre-cancerous cells or cancer growing in my cervix.
I was able to find a job within 3 months of the diagnosis so I gained insurance. I immediately went to my regular gynecologist. She analyzed the results from Planned Parenthood and had me come in for a second test. I convinced myself that Planned Parenthood may have made a mistake. I would not accept the facts unless MY doctor told me. Again, the test came back positive. Now I not only had a STD looming over my head but she confirmed cancer in my body! WHAT????
I was a virgin two years prior and was only with one man the entire time. I was saved! I was a “good girl” who loved the Lord. I just struggled with sex. How could this happen to me when there were EXTREMELY loose women out there who got away with their sin with no repercussions (at least in my eyes)? Why me? Why is it that when other women have sex, they get off easy but when I do it, I get stricken with the shame of a STD and now cancer? I said what most anybody would say: "God, this is not fair!"
I got mad at God as though it was His fault. I said that He could have covered me but chose not to therefore I was angry with Him. It was ALL His fault! Ungrateful.com!!! I cried. OMG, I cried and was angry. I could have KILLED my partner! I blamed him as he was much older and I was just beginning to walk into womanhood. I placed the blame on everyone except for myself (IMMATURE!).
I got mad at God as though it was His fault. I said that He could have covered me but chose not to therefore I was angry with Him. It was ALL His fault! Ungrateful.com!!! I cried. OMG, I cried and was angry. I could have KILLED my partner! I blamed him as he was much older and I was just beginning to walk into womanhood. I placed the blame on everyone except for myself (IMMATURE!).
Planned Parenthood previously told me that most likely, IF I were able to conceive at all, I would not be able to hold my child in my body more than at the maximum, 5 months. All of my pregnancies would be high risk and I would have to be on bed rest to keep my child in my body. I would be required to have a C-section to birth my children because if the virus touched a child during childbirth, they could get cancer instantly in their eyes and/or throat. My greatest dream was to be a mother and now that dream was threatened.
After my pity party, my spirit man rose up. I was tired of crying and blaming everyone. I was tired of worrying. I said I would not receive that report from Planned Parenthood OR my OB/GYN. I wanted HEALING! I went to my pastor and told him that they were trying to tell me that I had cancer. He instantly rebuked it! He prayed then looked me in the eye and said, "I don’t care what the doctor says. You shall live and NOT die!"
My faith accepted that. I knew that I was now in the fight of my life and with the help of Christ, I would WIN! I was no longer willing to accept that I was a cancer patient. HPV was NOT an option for me! I would have all of the children that I wanted. My story was NOT going to end like this at the age of 19!!!! Yes, I was 19 when this happened. I was a virgin until I was 17. Two weeks before my 20th birthday, cervical cancer entered my world.
The next day, was the big test to see how "far gone" I was. I told my mother and she came with me. I knew that this was a fight but I had SUCH a sense of peace because I KNEW that I would live and not die! I was smiling. I was happy. I was actually giddy because I knew that it was not over for me. I still had a life to lead and work to do.
I sat on the table in the room as my doctor prepped me for what was to come. She would not even look me in my face. This intimidated me for a BRIEF moment but I chose to shake it off and stay in good cheer. My doctor pulled out diagrams of what my cervix was supposed to look like in my condition. She showed them to my mother but she was blatantly ignoring me. I felt like a criminal at trial when the jury comes back with a guilty verdict and will not look at the defendant. The fear returned to me. I silently began to cry.
I thank God for my momma because she did not judge me. She did not condemn me. She just held my hand and was there for me. I am so grateful that God was there for me spiritually and my mom was there for me naturally so that I was not alone.
The procedure then began. I will spare you the gruesome details but to sum it up, a piece of my cervix had to be removed and sent to a lab. The lab would rate the progression of the cancer cells. I was laying on the table as my doctor was conducting this procedure. I then heard an awkward noise. "Hmm," I heard my doctor say. My mom (being the protector she is) says "What?!"
"I don't see anything!!!" My spirit was now CHARGED with excitement. This was the same doctor who had just pulled out diagrams to explain how destroyed my insides were. Now she was confused because did not see anything that she should have seen for someone in my condition "I think I see a cell but there should be CLUSTERS of cells on the cervix. They are not there."
To be sure, she then takes a scalpel to cut through my cervix to find cells. The word OUCH does not suffice for the pain that I felt. Yet and still, the clusters of cells that she was looking for, she could not find. That chick sliced me for no reason! LOL!!! (Kidding, guys!)
That night, sore and all, I went to choir rehearsal. I did not care about pain. I KNEW that God had healed me and I was going to serve Him, limping and all!!! (That may not have been the wisest thing in the world to do but again, I was just turning 20 years old). Lol! I knew I was healed but I was just waiting for the confirmation from my doctor. She told me that I would hear from her in two weeks.
One week later, I got a phone call. I was not only cancer free but the HPV virus (which is a virus that stays in your blood stream for LIFE) was gone. By HIS stripes, I was completely and 100% healed!!
I give God so much praise because that cancer could have taken me out but He spared me to testify of His goodness! To any woman who reads this, I encourage you to stay on top of your yearly ob/gyn testing and visits. To anyone suffering with cancer, viruses or any other affliction, know that your doctor does not have the last say. God is in complete control and even if you are diagnosed with an ailment, know that Jesus already paid the price for your healing. Just walk in your healing by FAITH. Know that God has your back! I am a WITNESS, chile!
I used to be HORRIBLY embarrassed to tell that testimony simply because my cancer was brought on by my sin (unmarried sex) and also the fact that STD's are a "taboo" subject. The enemy wanted me to feel shame so that I would rob glory from God by not revealing my miraculous healing. The Word tells us that the wages of sin is death and that is what I encountered. What I also encountered was healing and redemption. I am NOT my past. I am NOT what I have been through and I will not be ashamed to tell what transpired because God is glorified! He healed me because I BELIEVED that He would. What a mighty God I serve. Thank You, JESUS!
Never be ashamed of your testimony. You would be amazed at how many people are in similar shoes to yours and shame prevents them from seeking help or has them feeling helpless. Once God removed the shame and I told my testimony, SO MANY WOMEN began to tell me how HPV has affected their lives. I give God praise knowing that He has no favorite children. If He healed me, He will heal anybody!
Tell of God's goodness. Someone needs to hear it!
"They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony..." Revelation 12:11
There is freedom power in your testimony. Tell it!!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Your Legacy-A Message of Hope
Yesterday was Oprah's final episode of "The Oprah Winfrey Show". I was not able to watch the show as meteorologist took over my television. There were multiple tornadic wall clouds throughout St. Louis (they dispersed, Glory to God!) so in order to watch the show, I had to watch the 3am replay. I'm not much of a sleeper so this was fine with me.
What I liked....no. What I loved about the final episode was that she gave glory to Jesus. Many people say God but shy away from the name Jesus. It was refreshing to hear her say that. I also enjoyed her teaching life lessons. She spoke on many lessons that inspired a sense of hope. She said a few things that stuck out to me. The first was "You are in control of your life. What your momma did does not control your life. What your daddy did does not control your life. You are in control of your life."
That was profound to me. Of course we know that God is our head and is in control of our lives (sinners and saints alike). That goes without saying. What we must also realize is that God does not override our free will. He has a plan for our lives/destiny but our obedience to His plan is our choice. We make the choice as to what we will do with our lives. Our lives, meaning the decisions we make for our lives, are in our control. There is power in every decision that we make.
What decisions are you making that are benefiting your destiny? Are you making choices that are hindering your progress? If so, it is not too late to change those choices. Do you have bad habits that need to be broken? Break them! You are one determined decision away from living your best life. Use your control and LIVE!
As the final credits started to role, I began to cry. Oprah is inspirational to me, however I was shocked that I was moved to the point of tears by the show ending. It was because it signified an end of an era in my life as a viewer. Where else can I get daily "Aha moments?" Lol! I thought about Oprah and the legacy that she leaves behind for daytime television and humanity as a whole: A legacy of giving and teaching.
I now ask you who are reading this: When you leave this earth, what will your legacy be? Will it be that you were a good Christian? Will it be that you were a giver? Will it be that you were mean? What will people not only say but feel about you when you depart this beautiful journey called 'life'?
Each day that you are living, you are leaving a little piece of you in the world. When you finally leave Earth (by death or rapture) all of those little pieces will be composed to one big picture. That big picture is your legacy. Make the determined decision that you will use everyday to build a legacy that you will be grateful, not fearful and embarrassed, to present before God on judgment day. I'm not just referring to a life that is obedient to the Word of God (though that is of the utmost importance). What I am also referring to in addition to righteous living, is a legacy of loving everybody, a legacy of kindness, a legacy of gentleness, a legacy of giving, a legacy of doing good deeds. What impact are you leaving on our world?
It is never too late to build an awesome, loving legacy. I love the quote "People don't care what you know or remember what you say. They care and remember how you made them feel." Be determined to ensure people feel the love of God every time you walk into a room, open your mouth or even cross the mind of someone else. As humans, we know our moods don't always live up to that. I am a witness myself! What is also true is if you don't put your best foot forward, it is wisdom to fix that experience with the person who did not see your best you. If you are a little short with someone or impatient in the moment, go back and fix it. Apologize.
Life is short. Everyday is a day that we cannot get back. EVERYDAY, you are leaving your imprint on the world. When all is said and done, live a life and let your legacy be so that when you stand before God on judgement day, He PROUDLY says "Well Done! You can come on in!"
What I liked....no. What I loved about the final episode was that she gave glory to Jesus. Many people say God but shy away from the name Jesus. It was refreshing to hear her say that. I also enjoyed her teaching life lessons. She spoke on many lessons that inspired a sense of hope. She said a few things that stuck out to me. The first was "You are in control of your life. What your momma did does not control your life. What your daddy did does not control your life. You are in control of your life."
That was profound to me. Of course we know that God is our head and is in control of our lives (sinners and saints alike). That goes without saying. What we must also realize is that God does not override our free will. He has a plan for our lives/destiny but our obedience to His plan is our choice. We make the choice as to what we will do with our lives. Our lives, meaning the decisions we make for our lives, are in our control. There is power in every decision that we make.
What decisions are you making that are benefiting your destiny? Are you making choices that are hindering your progress? If so, it is not too late to change those choices. Do you have bad habits that need to be broken? Break them! You are one determined decision away from living your best life. Use your control and LIVE!
As the final credits started to role, I began to cry. Oprah is inspirational to me, however I was shocked that I was moved to the point of tears by the show ending. It was because it signified an end of an era in my life as a viewer. Where else can I get daily "Aha moments?" Lol! I thought about Oprah and the legacy that she leaves behind for daytime television and humanity as a whole: A legacy of giving and teaching.
I now ask you who are reading this: When you leave this earth, what will your legacy be? Will it be that you were a good Christian? Will it be that you were a giver? Will it be that you were mean? What will people not only say but feel about you when you depart this beautiful journey called 'life'?
Each day that you are living, you are leaving a little piece of you in the world. When you finally leave Earth (by death or rapture) all of those little pieces will be composed to one big picture. That big picture is your legacy. Make the determined decision that you will use everyday to build a legacy that you will be grateful, not fearful and embarrassed, to present before God on judgment day. I'm not just referring to a life that is obedient to the Word of God (though that is of the utmost importance). What I am also referring to in addition to righteous living, is a legacy of loving everybody, a legacy of kindness, a legacy of gentleness, a legacy of giving, a legacy of doing good deeds. What impact are you leaving on our world?
It is never too late to build an awesome, loving legacy. I love the quote "People don't care what you know or remember what you say. They care and remember how you made them feel." Be determined to ensure people feel the love of God every time you walk into a room, open your mouth or even cross the mind of someone else. As humans, we know our moods don't always live up to that. I am a witness myself! What is also true is if you don't put your best foot forward, it is wisdom to fix that experience with the person who did not see your best you. If you are a little short with someone or impatient in the moment, go back and fix it. Apologize.
Life is short. Everyday is a day that we cannot get back. EVERYDAY, you are leaving your imprint on the world. When all is said and done, live a life and let your legacy be so that when you stand before God on judgement day, He PROUDLY says "Well Done! You can come on in!"
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