The Real McCoy (Let's Talk Sex...)

*Disclaimer: Although I am a minister, this posting is not limited just to Christians. This is for anybody.

I started blogging in January of 2011 but I found myself getting distracted. I didn't stick to it so I shut the page down. Recently, it has been on my heart to start back blogging. I actively began to tweet with a purpose on Twitter (I'm sure I will cover that later) and there are times when there is so much that I want to say that 140 just is not enough space to get it out. To avoid "rapid fire" tweeting and annoying people by filling up their time lines, it was on my heart to get back to blogging. I love writing so this should be interesting.

Sunday, before service, it was on my heart to speak about celibacy. That Thursday evening prior, I watched an episode of "LisaRaye: The Real McCoy" on TvOne. In the episode of her reality show, she was on a spiritual journey to get closer to God after much time away. The journey led her to "Woman Thou Art Loosed" with Bishop Jakes. Before service, she spoke with the beautiful First Lady Serita Jakes and she was presented the opportunity to have a "girlfriend's chat" in which she could asked any questions that she had. One of her concerns about her journey was concerning celibacy. She voiced "I want to have sex!". First Lady Jakes gave the cutest response ever. She simply stated "Well, you're just going to have to put a cap on that, precious." Hi-freaking-larious but so true.

Now, we all know that the bible teaches against fornication which is the participation in sexual activity outside of the covenant of marriage. According to the bible, since LisaRaye is no longer married, for her to have sex right now would be a sin, which was her concern. She is an unmarried Christian...who is struggling with celibacy. This issue was in my spirit on Sunday. I began to tweet about it yet because I was in the sanctuary and service was beginning in 10 minutes, I could not go into depth about it. I did two tweets and they said:

"#Ladies Sex is a natural, healthy part of life but if he doesn't want you bad enough to change your last name, he doesn't deserve it. #Wait"

"#Celibacy is not easy especially when you've had good sex before (YES, I SAID IT!!!) but it's possible and extremely rewarding. #ImAWitness".

A beautiful woman responded to that, saying that she wanted to try celibacy but that she knew that it would not be easy. I, of course responded to her but did not go into details because again, service was about to start and I don't tweet in during service (And neither should you. We can all shut down the outside world for an hour or two to honor God...GRRR! Lol).

While watching Oprah the other day, she was reviewing footage from the past. In one particular episode, a young woman was battling anorexia. Oprah has someone on the show who had beaten the disorder to talk to the young woman. The survivor was coaching the young woman and saying that she had to conqueror the illness with her mind beginning with her thoughts. The woman responded saying "I can't do it. I don't know." The survivor responded with some generic, politically correct answer but did not give her a step by step response with instructions, detailing how to defeat anorexia. She did not teach her what she had learned. The young woman unfortunately lost her battle to the disease and died. Oprah in turn said that was a paradigm shift for her, letting her know that you can't just tell people what to do but to be successful in helping someone, you must teach them how to do what must be done to help them. Now back to sex, or the lack thereof. :")

It is easy to tell someone that because they are not married that they should not be having sex but how many people, ESPECIALLY IN THE CHURCH, are teaching people how to be successfully celibate? I know from personal experience feeling like "Don't tell me not to have sex but yet you never have been in this position!" as most of our pastors and spiritual leaders are married. It's hard for me to listen to you tell me not to do the do when you go home to a warm body in your bed and have never gone YEARS without sex before. It's nearly impossible to teach someone about something that you have never been through. I personally have not been taught how to successfully be in this position of abstaining until marriage to give my body away by someone who has successfully done it.

Let me start by saying that while I do NOT put much personal information online because there are some very SPECIAL people in the world, I will say this. If you are not married, you are single, therefore I am single. Period. I also am not sexually active. I have been celibate for 2 years come June of 2011. Before that, I was celibate but "slipped up" one time in that year and the same for the year before that. So in all actuality,  come June 1, it will mean in 4 years, I have had sex 2 times. I had a pattern of "falling" once a year. *Kanye Shrug* but I have overcome that. (shondo bo sha ta ya! Lol)

Why am I celibate:
My PERSONAL reason for being celibate is because I am not married and I know that God views it as a sin. I choose to honor God and my future husband by disciplining my body and protecting my virtue until I am married.

Is it hard to go without sex:
Is the sky blue? You gosh darn right it is hard...sometimes! It is not easy to go without sex. What benefits me though is my relationship with God. Because of the Holy Spirit, I am able to abstain because I have that help from Him! That is why if you are not in a loving relationship with the Father, I encourage you to develop one. I know to go from having an active sex life that I enjoyed to going without it at all would be impossible if God was not with me!

How To Be Successfully Celibate:
Every person is different so your coping may be different than mine. I will not be "spiritually deep" here because that is not realistic. I will be as honest as I can. Some days are better than others meaning some days are not a problem at all (thanks to the grace of God) but on other days, that good ole flesh with act up and you will be incredibly tempted. I go periods of time where I am just good! Sex is not even on my mind for months on end then a season of testing my faithfulness to God will come where almost every day is a struggle. I remember one particularly day that I was battling my flesh and instead of just moving on from that particular moment, I got angry. I said I was tired of fighting NATURAL DESIRES* and I picked something up and THREW IT! Lol!!! (I PROMISE I try to be as real as possible at all times. No sugar coating around these parts!)

(*Sex is a natural part of life. It is natural to desire sex. If you NEVER want to have sex EVER and you are an adult....something is not normal. Either your hormones are unbalanced or your are lying to yourself! Either way, get it together)

On those days I advise you to pray and if you are able to, fast. Now let's be real.  There have been days when I will pray and that mood will lift from me if not immediately, then soon after prayer. On other days, however, I have said "I don't want to pray about this! I'm sick of this". We live in a very sexually driven world so it is really in your face all the time. When I am in that state of mind, I find something to do! Go workout. Read something. Study the bible. Call a friend (to TALK!!! *sideeye* Lol!). Do something to ensure that you don't have that idle time on your hand to consider what you are not allowed to have or do. In moments of weakness, instead of thinking of what you are "denying" yourself, meditate on what you are waiting for. Give yourself pep talks reminding yourself that your future is worth waiting on. Do whatever it takes to get out of that mindset (thought process) that is causing you to feel "frustrated" or "tempted". Last but not least, ignore the desire! If you ignore the desire for anything long enough, it will go away (James 4:7). Also, take it one day at a time. If you are looking into the future, it will feel like you will never be able to have that "release". Don't think in terms of the future. Think about just making it through the day and IF you fall, don't beat yourself up. Pray, repent to God about it and move on being celibate!

Celibacy is not easy in this extremely sexually driven world, especially if you have been sexually active before and have given it up. It takes much needed discipline. What I will say to you is that even though it is not easy, it is so totally worth it to remain pure until you are blessed with your spouse. You are a gift to the world and anyone who is not willing to become "One Flesh" with you before God (the union of marriage) is not worthy of becoming "one flesh" with you in the bedroom (sex). Don't sale yourself short of your permanent blessing to satisfy a short-term desire.

Well, that's enough from me. You are worth being waited for and so is your spouse. Celibacy is not easy all the time but it is a beautiful journey of self discovery and it brings clarity to your life. By abstaining from sex outside of marriage, you leave room for God to bless you with "The Real McCoy" (Your God ordained spouse) and that alone will bless the entire course of the rest of your life.  I pray God's best for you and much success to everything you do...including remaining sexually pure until marriage. Smile, ya'll! *xoxo*